I've decided that I should study harder. Yesterday in class, my prof asked me a question and I completely blanked, turned red, and didn't answer the question. I guess I'm tired of this constant experience of feeling completely lost whenever I'm in any kind of seminar or talk. The refrain of: 'Why am I not understanding what they're saying?' is getting tiring. I don't think I'm truly that dumb, although I feel like it. I'm realizing that basically my problems are:
1) I don't spend enough concentrated time to do what I'm supposed to do. I've gotten through a Master's just by kind of winging it, but I wouldn't feel happy with myself if I kept escaping, and never really studied hard. The other thing is
2) Interest. But then, how many people are interested in what they do 8 hrs a day? It's basically hard work that determines how one does. Interest helps, and I suppose it'll come, the more one knows about a subject. And it's also related to
3) Confidence. The more I feel like I'm doing well, the more I'm motivated to do well. If I feel mediocre, then it's not fun to keep going. And also, as regards talking in class and sounding all intelligent - I may know some things, have some good ideas, but because of shyness or whatever, I don't express myself well. I suppose it's getting over it - not thinking that I'm dumb all the time - and just talking as much as I can.
Anyways, main thing is, I think this is an opportunity, one of the 'all things' the Lord uses to open us, for me to let the Lord into my academic life, to show me that I can't rely on my ability to do well in school since it's obviously running out, and that everything in my life has to be out from Him, through Him, and to Him. Thank You Lord for failures.
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